Holy cow! Saturday was a different animal altogether. The mere fact that I can churn up a blog post this early is a miracle even by my own standards. Don’t get me wrong, I did not lose my phone or end up with a hunchback of Notre Dame at my place. It was simply fun. We partied like porn stars. My friend, on the other hand, had his eyes on something else. With a sack full of blue balls, he needed to “burst a nut” if I may say.
Why The Clubs Anyway?
Call my friend archaic, but he insists that it’s an old tradition to pick up girls in the clubs. Way before “double taps” and “swiping right and left”, there was the technical approach. For folks who just got their Kenyan IDs, technical approach is when you meet up with a girl head on and hit on her.
Easier Than Online Dating
On the other hand, the new wave of online dating does not seem to bear fruit for some guys. Sasha’s post on how to chat with Kenyan girls underscores the difficulty of hooking up online. Before you even say some nice shit about yourself, a girl would have already judged you based on your photos. I’ll also fry Sasha’s ass too because she’s bisexual and has a softer spot for girls than guys.
With that in mind, you might now be thinking that she would have had a different opinion of you if you were the guy who was ordering endless Jack Daniels on table 9. Sure, you’ll get some attention, and mostly from slay queens. However, that’s not a sure ticket to “Nunu land” (Pussyville).
Nairobi’s night life is also extremely promising, especially if you’re looking for a one-night stand. Girls are literally flowing in the city, but any lion in the savannahs would tell you to lay low, stay patient, and go for the kill. If your catch goes away, there are still plenty of fish to try and catch especially when you have the whole night.
Clubbing and Partying is FUN
No offence, but if your idea of night fun is watching a Marvel movie at IMAX, you can skip the one-night stand hunt. There’s no way Thanos beating up the Avengers will magically make her want to go to bed with you. In fact, chances are she’ll even ask you what a “Thanos” is before you watch the movie!
Liquor, loud music, and an awesome DJ are some of the ingredients of fun party, but not all clubs in Nairobi will push you close to one night stands. To greatly increase your chances, you need to go to clubs with majority of college folks. These can mostly be found around the CBD. Going to high end clubs in places like Hurlingham on a tight budget would be the worst thing to do. Why?
- You are more likely to find premium escorts or slay queens
- You might not get the full one-night experience if you land on escorts. Being asked for money for a one-night stand is wrong
- Most girls in there have either been brought by someone or are on a mission
Strangely enough, you need a strategy to get a one night stand in Nairobi. I know veterans might have a different idea, but for the sake of everyone, it’s good to lay everything on the table. The first thing to consider is how you want to meet your one-night stand first.
Online Dating Apps
I know that the Northern Wolf has talked heavily against online dating apps for certain instances. He claims that getting a date on a place like Tinder isn’t as easy as it seems, but I would like to differ. Online dating apps are not places to talk about your favourite colours or which schools you went to. The apps help you get contacts. From the contacts, you arrange meetups.
After getting a few contacts, find out who is willing to go out for a drink. Come up with a fancy name that seems fun. Breaking the ice via online dating apps significantly increases your chances of a successful one-night stand in Nairobi, but how you act afterwards matters.
With this approach, you also get the ability to choose where the clubbing will take place. Some prominent mafisis (hyenas) usually suggest going out to a place like Nakuru where it’s just the two of you. Taking a cab home at 5AM to Nairobi is impossible. Equally, taking public means of transport will be difficult at that time considering she’s worn out.
Leap of Faith
If you prefer to simply hit the clubs, there’s also no fault in that, especially if you’re familiar with the process. Things might be a little difficult if you don’t understand some crucial things about Kenyan ladies though.
- They love fun. Lots of fun. Let your fun side come off as genuine
- Hide your horny side as much as possible. In fact, act like sex is the last thing on your mind
- Don’t show your stingy side. It sucks, I know, but frowned faces when paying bills will blow your “I’m having fun” cover
- Don’t hide the fact that you are enjoying yourself
- You need not be the coolest guy in the room. Have fun and everyone will know
Other guides usually suggest being upfront with the fact that you are not looking for something long-term, but in Nairobi or Kenya in general, I prefer you say nothing. Despite the fact we have modern ladies nowadays, culture is still entrenched in our bloods. Nairobi girls would also not want to feel cheap by simply accepting to have sex with you because you hinted on a one-night stand. Kenyan girls are smart. They know what you want from the word go. You only need to prove yourself.
Of course, in both situations (using online dating apps or not), you should strive to dive in with a slightly tipsy persona. Before leaving the house or going to the actual party venue, gulp down one or two beers. This will get you in the mood.
While at The Club
As much as you might be fucked up after downing more drinks, you should not get drunk. Balance your intake of liquor with water. This will maintain your hidden courage while keeping you sober and decent enough to approach a girl without pissing her off.
If, on the other hand, you managed to party with a girl you got from Tinder, you are still restricted to the “don’t get too drunk rule”. However, you want to as much as possible show her that you are interested in having fun. She might be a stranger in all respects, but you should imagine her as a long-time friend.
- Make fun and light jokes about things that would normally induce tension, and be whole-heartedly genuine about your comments. Don’t necessarily try to please her with clever comments
- Make it worth her while. Go beyond what she would normally expect from a guy. Be that guy who radiates a good vibe. She too knows this could end up being a one-night stand, so she first needs to feel good about being in your company
- Keep cool and make sex the last thing on your mind! Take things easy and even act like the fun you’re having is more worthy than what she would offer you. Trust me, this will throw her off balance!
Some girls will probably tell you that they need to be home at a certain time. However, if you’ve focussed on fun all through, they will most likely extend that deadline. But don’t hush about it! In fact, remind them that their curfew time has approached, and be willing to say something like “Can I call a cab for you?”.
You might think that this is a gamble, but you have to believe in the system! When your vibe is greater than her will to spend the night with you, mother nature will find a way to sort you out.
Two things will likely happen. She will choose to go home as Morty’s Jessica left him, or she might choose to stay. If she does leave, don’t call it quits. Press on! If she stays, keep sticking to her chosen deadlines and be willing to shake her off your back. She won’t leave.
After The Club
All this while, I am assuming that you live alone. If you don’t, there are still a couple of options to take. Your potential one-night stand will probably be tired and want a place to crash. If she lives with her parents, there’s no way she would want to turn up home in that state at 5AM. Best option? Your place.
If your home is a no-go-zone for some girlfriend-ish reasons, you could always go to a lodging. Not the cheap kind though. Anything in the range of KES 1500 to 2000 would be decent enough. What’s more interesting is that since you’ll be checking in in the wee hours of the morning, your checkout time would not be 10AM. You could literally stay in there the whole day!
With her in your arms and in a private place, you can now consider going in for the kill. There are chances she backs off, but keep on being playful and be a gentleman! I also needn’t tell you that you must have some packets of condom. One-night stands in Nairobi can be a thrilling experience. However, considering that the normal human being experiences seconds of pleasure during orgasm, it’d be sad if those split seconds become your downfall.
If that sounds like too much work and effort for sexual pleasure that literally lasts for minutes, then you might consider getting escorts, going to massage parlours, or even hooking up. There are many avenues where you can get these services. While the experience might not be as exciting as looking for a one-night stand, it might just save you a lot of time, money, and effort, and that is what Twilight Party is about.