The Real Reason Your Last Online Hook-up Failed

Red robot with a white broken heart
Was it really meant to happen? Was he the issue? Was I too demanding?

It’s been months since my last post. I believe Wolf explained the reasons why we went under for that long. On my part, I have been awfully busy as well with school stuff and many other personal engagements. Luckily, my daily experiences are always the biggest contributing factors to my blog posts.

A couple of my guy friends were recently having an interesting conversation. They were all in agreement on how “kazi ya waschana siku hizi ni kuomba pesa na credit na fare bila kupatiana kitu”. I’ll translate that to English for the non-Swahili speakers. Nowadays, girls are all about asking for cash, phone airtime, and bus fares to come to your place without giving anything in return. Honestly, I would not know anything about this. However, I have seen more than one guy talk about this in Kilimani Mums and Dads Facebook group.

via GIPHY

Men, not so fast. I’m not fully siding with you on everything. While you are fully conversant with the term “ slay queens”, more girls are now coming across “fuck boys”. I laughed at this word senselessly the first time Susan mentioned it to me. Even though I could understand what it meant, I wanted to extend my laughter by hearing Susan’s definition. It’s pretty simple too. She claimed that fuck boys are the kind that fuck and fall out of love immediately after the sex. In addition to that, most of their actions are only tuned towards sex. No romantic brouhahas at all since money is scarce.

So, What’s The Problem?

I’m no Dr Cupid, but if I were to give my two cents, I would say both genders have issues. Even though I strongly advocate for equal rights for men and women, I think most of us girls are taking it the wrong way. Men, on the other hand have totally lost it by thinking that they should always get something in return for every “nice” thing they do for a chick. Bottom line? Expectations killed your last online hook-up! Before you rant and skin me alive (if you can find me), hear me out.

The Hook-Up Process for Girls

All we really have to do is put up a nice profile online. Once that happens, hundreds of messages start trickling in, and we get to choose who to meet and who to ignore. Lucky, aren’t we? Not quite. It turns out that 80% of the messages we get are actually from the guys we would not dream of dating. In contrast, more than 70% of the girls in dating apps are competing for the top 20% “cutest” guys.

Landing on a good guy when you only have access to 20% of the good guys is not easy. So naturally, we would want to turn whoever we find into that dream guy. But to be honest, some of us do it in the worst kind of way! How? By expecting that this guy we found in the 80% bracket will be paying for our bills and catering to all our needs. So thus it begins, the phone airtime requests and salon money requests. Personally, I find no fault in this. Though, after listening to my friends’ point of views, I started getting the dilemma.

The Hook-up Process for Guys

Most dating apps claim that their male to female ratio is always even or greater at times. Tinder, for instance, boasts a 50% female base. Nonetheless, none of them is never truly open about its active users. If most dating apps truly had a 50-50 ratio, it would be safe to assume that a guy’s inbox equally has lots of messages like a girl’s.

via GIPHY

Consequently, there will always be more than two or three guys trying to win the heart of a single girl. This leaves very little room for that one-to-one conversation that will be meaningful to both parties. A guy will literally have to “spread his wings” to 50 other girls just to get 2-5 meaningful encounters. The bad thing about this is that his expectations will also start crawling in. Suddenly, he may feel that after one or two dates, he needs to be “compensated” for his good deeds.

I’m not saying that all guys have this mentality, but some certainly do. This is especially true when they are matched with a girl they’d call a slay queen.

Why Expectations Ruin the Chances of a Great Hook-up

So many people are losing faith in online dating as the days go by. In most cases, it is because their expectations were not met. However, bringing in expectations only makes things bad for the both of you.

They Set You Up for Failure

Everyone usually has his/her individual goals. For guys, the goal of a hook-up might be sexual-related or even fun-related. Girls, on the other hand might be seeking genuine companionship or pampering from rich sugar daddies. When two people with different goals find each other online, nothing meaningful is bound to happen. The guy who thought he’d get sexual favours after 3-4 dates of expensive booze might end up disappointed in the girl. The girl would also feel left out for not finding a guy who is genuinely willing to spoil her.

Resentments

via GIPHY

Dating will turn out to be a chore if you are constantly expecting something at the end. Every time you open that dating app, you’d be wondering if you’ll suffer the same fate as before. In the end, you won’t take the leap and you won’t find Mr or Miss Right (if he/she exists). Apart from that, guys would also start feeling the burden of these hook-ups. If you used up more than 10k ($100) the last time you took another girl out, you might feel like spending much less on the next girl.

Your Partner Can Read Your Goals

Thought that he didn’t know you were more interested in his cash? You’re mistaken. Both guys and girls can tell each other’s goals. If you’re asking her to come for a sleepover after a week of knowing each other, she can already tell what you are after. No matter how genuine your request is, it is much better to save it for the people you have known. Only ask for things in a relationship where asking for gifts isn’t strange.

How to Hook-up with The Right Person

I must say, guys have several options when they want a sexual hook-up. I hear that the girls at Nairobi Hot and Nairobi Raha charge about 3k for an all-inclusive package. Couple that with tons of massage parlours in Hurlingham. Nonetheless, I believe hook-ups are far different from the experiences one can get from escorts or massage parlours. In any case, I do know the importance of getting genuine relationships that are not bound by expectations.

Be Genuine About Your Lifestyle

via GIPHY

If you are the kind of person that doesn’t worry about spending, then don’t hold back. Next time you meet with someone that you actually like and is worth your time, make the encounter interesting. Party from the bottom of your heart and cherish the time you have genuinely. The moment you start expecting things, that’s the moment you won’t get anything. This is also true for people who are actively expecting things in return. Instead of being nice and kind while expecting your partner to do the same, make it clear from the onset. Tell him/her that your time and money ought to be spent on people who will bring “value” to your life. Believe it or not, some will stick around.

Lookout for Chemistry

Be less worried about physical looks and more interested in the chemistry. Several Telegram hook-up channels simply ask for your name, age, location, and occupation to get you a partner. I’ve always wondered how they make it happen. As I’m no messiah, I would definitely need a little more information to know which two people would click. If there is chemistry between you and your partner, you’d often find yourself with the same sense of humour and lots of interest in each other. Walk away the moment you don’t feel that connection. You will save yourself a lot of time and money.

Go Slow. Set Milestones

Move too fast and you might freak up your partner. Despite hitting it off at first sight, it would be wise to proceed slowly. Don’t make a point of seeing him/her every other day. Some time apart will further cement what you have already built. It will also show you if the other person cares about you. Make every encounter genuine and truly about knowing each other. This way, you’ll find everything falling into place without lots of effort.

Give All. Expect Nothing

Happy woman raising arms up on a bridge surrounded by water

I bet you’ve all heard the “Tenda wema nenda zako” (Do good and move along) song. That’s what you ought to focus on going forward. This also goes out for those people who are in currently in a relationship. Don’t expect your partner to be the one to wash the dishes or even pay the bills. Conventional gender roles are slowly fading away. If all you can give him at the moment is love, do your best. On the other hand, if all you can do is really spoil her, do so without caring about the benefits you’d get.

There are still high chances that your hook-up experience won’t be pleasant. Despite giving your all and going slow, it is possible that you’re being wrapped up in a bubble. However, you will have lost nothing if you expected nothing from the beginning. Make every genuine encounter worth your time and focus on the moment. I might be wrong about everything I said in this post, that’s for sure. But if you made it all the way to this line, then I could very well give myself a pat on the back. After all, I just managed to tell you to live your life to the fullest and without expectations.