Debunking the Friends with Benefits Myth

Woman in black panties lying on bed
What are benefits really? Is it cash or sex?

First things first, forgive my absence for the past few months. We have been endlessly working on various aspects of the site. It has been tough work, but we aren’t giving up because the force is strong!

Today, I would like to address something that is often taken for granted. We all know of dating apps such as Tagged, Tinder, and OkCupid. They are perfect havens for meeting new people and finding new lovers. There’s nothing new or strange about that. However, there is also a new type of relationship in these apps called “Friends with Benefits”. I have gotten over ten such offers, but it would seem that none of the girls really understood what FWB means. At one point, I was even compelled to hand them a copy of Justin Timberlake’s Friends with Benefits . However, for the sake of the endless confusion, I’d like to redefine the FWB concept again.

What Does Friends with Benefits Really Mean?

The folks at Urban Dictionary insist that FWB is a situation where two friends have a sexual relationship minus the emotions. This means that there are no commitments and that the relationship can be polygamous. Let’s break all that a little further, especially the parts in bold.

Friends
A friend is any person with whom you have a bond of mutual affection. In most cases, such a relationship comes exclusive of any sexual relations and family relations. So, the bond is two-way. You like me in a non-sexual way, and I like you back in the same way.
Benefits
Herein comes the confusion. What are the “benefits” in a Friends with Benefits relationship? Why are they actually called benefits in the first place? Who really enjoys these benefits too anyway? Well, I’ll tell you one thing for sure, cash or any form of appreciation is NOT part of a FWB relationship

So, What Are the Benefits Then?

Men and women in Kenya have different perspectives about what these benefits should be. Most girls are of the opinion that their benefits will come in the form of tokens. They would either want you to appreciate them by giving them cash for “their services” or occasionally taking them out. In most cases, they mostly want the cash.

Because of that mentality, men have also been pushed into believing something else. They now know that if a girl asks for cash, then he is also entitled to sex. Who can really blame them? It’s difficult enough spending cash on a stranger who doesn’t give a shit about you. Before delving into the right kind of FWB relationship, let’s review the real benefits.

1. Sexual Needs…Duh!

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Sex is the first and most important benefit in a FWB relationship. As much as this seems like a no strings (NSA) attached kind of relationship, it is far different. This is because NSA relationships are the kinds you have with total strangers such as in one night stands . Sadly, girls tend to suppress their sexual desires because of the damage society has made. To girls, accepting to have sex with a guy is a bigger benefit for him than her.

2. Repeat Sex

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FWB relationships allow for repeat sex whereas strictly NSA relationships might not. If you have sex with a guy in a one-night stand, there’s no guarantee that you’ll be anything more. Additionally, there’s also the possibility that your partner won’t harbour the same sexual desires he had once daylight kicks in. However, it is wise to remember your limits as emotions could always creep in.

3. Sexual Intimacy

Sometimes it might be difficult for girls to understand this. It’s not every day that a guy’s dick will get hard for just any girl. For some guys, the lack of sexual intimacy usually means no sex at the end of the day. This is why the FWB offers I get on social media are laughable. In real FWB relationships, the girl and the guy are friends to begin with. There are thus no major expectations.

4. Convenience

Couple kissing in water

There’s constant access to sex with someone who is not a creep. This is a benefit that mostly applies to women. I’m not a girl, but I just wouldn’t want to have sex with anyone I meet online. On top of fulfilling your sexual needs, there is a stronger sense of safety when having sex with your friend rather than a total stranger.

How to Start a Friends with Benefits Relationship with a Stranger

At this point, you are on one of two sides:

1. You still believe that as a girl, you should be “appreciated” for the FWB relationship

2. You have seen the sense in FWBs. You believe that any gifts offered to your partner discredits the meaning of a FWB relationship.

Depending on your stance above, you will have different goals when getting into a Kenyan FWB relationship. I do acknowledge that FWB is a more acceptable term in Kenya compared to an escort or a call girl. However, I still think that if this remains to be the definition of FWBs, there will be a thin line between escorts and FWBs.

It will be a tall order to change our slightly skewed definition of FWBs. But that is not stopping me from throwing in a few pointers.

1. Start by Choosing Wisely

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There are tons of jokers online. If you are a girl, you can relate. Guys can send you dick picks and give you empty promises. Your focus should be on the guys that really stood out. There are up to four kinds of men that can stand out for you online:

- Single men looking for genuine relationships

- Single men or those in a relationship looking for side chicks

- Married men looking for “sponsees”

- Single or men in relationships that are looking for quick flings

I can’t really go into depth about each one of them, but it’s always a good idea to choose one that appeals to you. Unfortunately for us guys, we will always be at the mercies of some egoistic girls when it comes to these traditional dating apps. Worry not, boy child, we are changing that.

2. Be Polite and Give a Shit About Him/her

After getting his/her number from the dating site, you have sort of given the first green light. Of course, there are instances where you realize that giving out your number was not worth it. If this happens, just try to sugar-coat your message until he/she realizes it. On the other hand, if you do get an amazing person, show your devotion towards him/her. If he said “hi” this morning, it wouldn’t hurt to be the one to say hi the next morning and ask how he’s doing.

Before too long, either of you is going to suggest a meetup. Depending on what you were after in the first place, you are most likely to act differently in each setting. If you are after tokens and appreciations, insist that the first meetup should be about knowing each other and enjoying each other’s company. This eases the tension between you two and works towards increasing that sexual intimacy. Don’t expect too much if you are a girl. Since he’s most likely going to be the one footing the bill, now wouldn’t be the time to ask for those expensive steaks. Guys too shouldn’t push too much. Simply imagine you took your long-time friend out on a date.

3. Build The Friendship By Communicating More

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Get to know one another more. After meeting up, you will know if he/she is a worthy partner. As a guy, you will be assured that she has a lovable character and is someone that you can have fun with. As a girl, you will know if he can really live up to his tokens. Don’t focus too much on the tokens though, as this will make your relationship too formal. Instead, talk with each other like friends. If you chose the right kind of person from step one, there are chances that you will start receiving tokens just by being devoted to him.

At the end of the day, the both of you will be friendly with each other. What’s more is that since you are comfortable with each other’s company, you can now enjoy the right kind of FWB relationship. I’ve never had the chance of measuring the success rates of most Kenyan FWB relationships, but I would assume they don’t work. How do I know this? Because after being asked for 5k-10k ($50-$100 USD) for a one-night “FWB relationship”, the girls came back. They were asking if I was still interested.

Honestly, I do not think we should ruin the meaning of FWBs. It’s much better to call it a paid hook-up than a FWB. FWB relationships ought to be mutual and for fun. Any cash involvement makes it something else. However, I still believe in the tenets of the willing buyer and the willing seller. So, if it works for you, who am I to stop progress?

Until next time, keep it Twilight Party